Ep #59: Grief Meets Tinder: Balancing Healing and New Connections

Ever find yourself swiping through dating apps while tears are still fresh on your cheeks? You’re not alone. In the wake of a devastating loss, can new connections truly heal our hearts or are we just setting ourselves up for more pain? Stay tuned as we navigate this emotional minefield together.

Welcome to Overcoming Grief, a show for women experiencing profound grief and looking for support in healing and transforming their lives. If you are ready to heal after loss, create a new self-identity, take responsibility to do the hard things, and get massive results in your life, this show is for you. Now, here’s your host, Master Grief and Life Coach, Sandy Linda.

Hello, creative humans. How are you doing today? If this is your first time, welcome to the show. It’s so good to have you with us today. A special thanks to those who continue to support and listen. I understand the hardship and loneliness of the grief journey, but you are not alone. I’m sending you all my deepest empathy and wishes for healing as you navigate this challenging path.

So today is my father’s birthday. He would have been 80 years old if he was here. I do miss his wisdom and the discipline he has instilled. I want to thank his friend, his former boss, who did reach out to me and sent me a lovely card. I want to say thank you so much for that and recalling the good memories you had with my dad and all that so forth.

His absence, like the loss of my other family members, left a void that I struggled to fill. Surprisingly, a loyal subscriber asked me if she should date while grieving. I realized this was an opportunity to share my experience with this new frontier of dating while grieving.

Today, I am going to dive into a topic that many of you question and I suspect relevant to many of you, dating while grieving. Let me share a bit of my story with you. After my dad passed, being the last of my immediate family to go, I dealt with overwhelming loneliness. The world as

I knew it had shattered. In my desperate attempt to piece it back together, I found myself desired at any sign of romance I could find. I wasn’t so much looking for love as I was searching for a lifeline, someone, anyone, who could rescue me from the deepness of my grief. Sound familiar? Maybe you have been there too or perhaps you’re there right now. That overwhelming desire to fill the void, to feel something, anything other than the pain of loss. The dating apps that suddenly seem so alluring, promising connection, comfort, and a chance to feel normal again.

But here’s the thing, dating while grieving isn’t just complex. It’s a whole new frontier. It’s like trying to navigate a foreign land without a map where the usual rules don’t apply and your emotions are all over the place. For high performers like us, used to excelling in every aspect of life, this new reality can be challenging.

In today’s episode, I’m going to explore this land together with you. I’ll talk about why the combination of grief and dating can be so complicated, especially for those who’ve lost a parent or a loved one. I will discuss the pitfalls of rushing into romance as a band-aid for grief. Most importantly, I’ll share three powerful tools to help you navigate this new frontier with grace, self-awareness, and genuine readiness for connection.

Whether you’re thinking about dipping your toe back into the dating pool, already swiping through profiles, or deciding to take a step back, this episode is for you. So let’s dive in and learn how to approach dating, not as an escape from grief, but as a mindful step towards healing and new beginnings. Now let’s dive into why dating while grieving is so complex, especially if you experienced a loss of a parent or another close family member recently.

First, it’s important to acknowledge that the desire for companionship during difficult times is natural. When you’re going through grief, you often feel isolated and alone. The world can seem cold and indifferent to your pain. It’s no wonder that many of you yearn for someone to hold you, to understand you, to make you feel less alone in your sorrow. This desire for connection combined with the convenience of modern technology often lead us to dating apps.

These platforms promise instant connection, a distraction from our pain and the possibility of finding someone who can make us feel whole again. It’s tempting, isn’t it? With just a few swipes, you might find someone to fill the void by your loss. But here’s where things get complicated.

Dating while grieving isn’t as straightforward as it might seem. There are several reasons for this. First, grief makes you emotionally vulnerable. When you’re grieving, your emotions are raw and intense. You might cry at unexpected moments, feeling angry for no apparent reason or experiencing sudden mood swings. This emotional vulnerability can make dating challenging. The need for emotional support can lead you to overreact to minor problems or develop strong attachments too soon.

Second, grief alters our perspective on life and relationships. Losing a parent or a close family member often leads to a re-evaluation of what’s truly important in life. Our priorities shift, and our view of the world changes. This new perspective can affect how we approach relationships. We might look for distinct qualities in a partner than we did before our loss.

Or we might rush into a relationship fearing that life is too short to wait. Last, and perhaps most importantly, unresolved grief has the potential to alter the dynamics of new relationships. Grief isn’t a linear process with a clear endpoint. It’s a journey that can take unexpected turns and resurface at unexpected times.

When we enter a new relationship while still processing our grief, we bring that grief with us. This can manifest in various ways. Without realizing it, you may use your new partner as a substitute for the person you’ve lost, placing unfair expectations on them. You could end up comparing your new relationships to those glorified memories of past relationships or family dynamics. You might struggle with intimacy, fearing the pain of losing another person you cared about or you could also go to the extreme of relying too much on your new partner for emotional support.

Now, let’s talk about something crucial, the pitfalls of rushing into dating while you’re still in the deepness of grief. I want to share a personal story that shows how easily we can fall into these traps and how deeply it can impact us.

After losing my father, the weight of grief felt unbearable. The thought of being alone with my pain was terrifying. In a moment of vulnerability, I reached out to an old flame. I told him about my loss and confessed that I didn’t want to be alone. I asked if he might come over, and guess what? He did.

At first, it seemed like exactly what I needed. His presence was a comfort, a distraction from the overwhelming sorrow. But as time went on, something unexpected happened. Instead of dealing with my grief, I got caught up in his world, his life, his drama, his family history. Everything about loving him seemed to take me further and further away from my grief journey. Before I knew it, I had lost my sense of self. My healing process had been put on hold while I immersed myself in someone else’s life story.

This, my friends, is one of the major pitfalls of rushing into a relationship while grieving. Now, let’s break down some risks we face when we use dating as a band-aid for our grief. One is distraction from healing. Like in my story, an old relationship or a new relationship can serve as a powerful distraction. While this might feel good in the short term, it can prevent you from doing the necessary work of processing your grief. Remember, grief isn’t something to be avoided. It’s a journey you need to go through to heal.

Number two, emotional dependency. When you’re grieving, you are emotionally vulnerable. Relying too much on a new partner or old partner for emotional support can create an unhealthy dynamic. Three is clouded judgment. Grief can cloud your judgment, leading you to make decisions that don’t align with your long-term goals or values.

You might rush into a relationship that isn’t right for you simply because it offers temporary relief from your pain. Another risk is unresolved issues. If you don’t take the time to work through your grief, those unresolved emotions can surface later, potentially sabotaging your new relationships or causing additional emotional turmoil.

The truth is while seeking connection is natural and understandable when you’re grieving, rushing into dating isn’t the answer. It’s like trying to build a house on a foundation on quicksand. It might seem stable at first, but eventually things will start to sink. Instead, you need to give yourself the time and space to process your grief, to rediscover who you are in the wake of your loss, and to build a solid emotional foundation. Only then can you enter into new relationships in a healthy, genuine way.

Now that we have a better understanding of the complexities and potential challenges of dating while grieving, let’s explore three tools, and they’re powerful tools by the way, that can help you approach this new phase with grace, self-awareness, and a genuine desire for connection.

These strategies will help you honor your grief journey while also opening yourself up to new connections when you’re truly ready though. Stay with me, this is where we start to turn things around. The first tool in our kit is all about taking a good look at yourself and figuring out what you really want and need in a relationship. This might sound simple, but grief has a way of reshaping your perspectives and priorities. Your idea of a partner might have changed since your loss.

Here’s a practical exercise I want you to try. Take out a piece of paper or open a new document on your phone. Now, I want you to write a detailed list of your wants and needs in a relationship. Be exact and honest with yourself. Here’s an example.

Do you need someone who is emotionally available? Someone who understands grief? Or someone who shares your values about family? As you are writing, pay attention to how grief may have changed your perspective. You might be into deeper emotions rather than just surface level charm. Maybe you’re looking for someone who appreciates the preciousness of life. Or you might find that you need more space and understanding than you did before.

Remember, there are no right or wrong answers here. The goal is to gain clarity about what you desire in a relationship. At this point in your life, this self-awareness will be your compass as you navigate the dating world.

Our second tool involves identifying and understanding the pressures you might feel to date again. These pressures can come from external sources like well-meaning friends or family who think it’s time for you to move on. But they can also come from within, perhaps a fear of being alone or a belief that you should be ready by now. Take a moment to list out all the pressures you’re feeling.

Now, here’s the crucial part. Categorize each of these pressures as either helpful or harmful. A helpful pressure might be your genuine desire for companionship. A harmful pressure could be a fear of what others think about your single status. This exercise helps you recognize the difference between societal expectations and your personal readiness. Remember, there is no universal timeline for grief or dating after loss. Your journey is unique, and it’s okay to move at your own pace.

Our last tool and perhaps the most important one is to continue caring for yourself. I am an advocate for self-care. It’s easy to forget about self-care when you’re grieving and even easier to neglect it when you are focused on dating. But here’s the truth. The best foundation for a healthy relationship is a healthy relationship with yourself.

Self-care during grief isn’t about bubble baths and chocolate, though those can be nice. It’s about attending to your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. It’s about processing your grief in healthy ways and giving yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling.

The self-care activities can be journaling, writing about your feelings, memories, and experiences, taking a walk in nature. Moving your body can help release emotions and reduce stress. Another thing I would love to suggest is try out solo travel. That’s the most adventurous thing that you can really connect with your inner soul with.

Remember, self-care isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. By taking care of yourself, you are ensuring that when you decide to date, you’re doing so from a place of strength and genuine readiness, not desperation or loneliness. As you implement these tools, be patient with yourself. Healing and growth take time, but by knowing your desires, understanding the pressures you’re under, and prioritizing self-care, you’re setting yourself up for healthier, more fulfilling relationships, both yourself and with others.

As we come to the end of today’s episode, I want you to take a deep breath. We covered a lot of ground, and I know this topic isn’t an easy one. But remember, you’re here because you’re brave enough to face these challenges head on and that’s something is to be proud of. Let’s recap the main points we discussed today. We acknowledged that dating while grieving is complex, especially after losing a parent or loved one. Your emotions are raw, your perspective have shifted, and you’re navigating uncharted waters. We talk about the pitfalls of rushing into dating as an escape from grief.

Remember my story, how losing myself in someone else’s world pulled me further from my own healing journey. It’s a tempting path, but one that often lead us astray from our true selves. Most importantly, we explored three powerful tools to help you navigate this new frontier.

Working on knowing your desires because grief changes us and it’s crucial to understand what you want and need now, listing the pressures upon you, both external and eternal to recognize what’s helpful and what’s harmful in your healing journey. Continue to care for yourself because the strongest foundation for any relationship is a healthy relationship with yourself.

Now, here’s my call to action for you. I want you to commit using any of these tools, not just thinking about them, but putting them into practice. Start with one this week. Maybe it’s sitting down and writing that list of desire or perhaps is identifying one self-care activity you can incorporate into your daily routine.

But here’s the most important part. I want you to really hear this. It’s okay to take your time. Healing isn’t a race, and there’s no prize for getting back into dating the fastest. Be patient with yourself. Your grief, your healing, your journey, they are uniquely yours. Honor that. You’ve already shown incredible strength by facing your grief and considering how to move forward. That strength will serve you well as you continue on this journey.

If today’s discussion helped you or gave you any insight, please share this episode with someone you know who might go through something similar. Each share brings support and understanding to our listener community. Thank you for joining me on this remarkable journey of healing and growth as we make changes and overcome grief together. Until next time, remember to grieve with grace, nurture your inner strength, and lead with courageous heart. Take care of yourself, and keep making gradual progress. Bye everyone.

Thanks for listening to today’s episode of Overcoming Grief. If you’re ready to move into a new, rewarding life experience, and want more information about how to work with Sandy, visit www.sandylinda.com.